Out, Damned Spot from the Smush Room Mattress!

Books

• Petropolis by Anya Ulinich – The mood has picked up a bit in the last few chapters, which means I'm dreading the agony that is sure to come. A Russian isn't happy unless there's something to be miserable about, and a Jew isn't happy unless there's something to be worried about. The writer and I are both—so you can imagine my trepidation.
• When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris – David Sedaris is brilliant at seeing the absurdity in ordinary events. I have much to learn. I want him to be my mentor—my Mr. Miyagi or my Jack Donaghy or Liz Lemon. Or maybe someone not fictional. That might be better.
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling – One more chapter to go!
• Attack of the Zombies! adapted by Alex Harvey –  This is a ready-to-read book based on an episode of Spongebob Squarepants. The son has had me read it to him three nights in a row. I'm getting much better at the voices. My Patrick is best, but my Squidward is definitely improving.
• Macbeth by William Shakespeare – I have not actually started rereading it (last read was in college), but I'm eyeing it again thanks to Slings & Arrows. More about that below.

TV

• Slings & Arrows – Watched the second season in a marathon viewing today. Six amazing episodes. You don't have to love the theatre to appreciate the writing, acting, and beautiful production of this show, but I think it's even more incredible if you feel a connection to the stage or screen. (Okay, yes, my big drama experiences were back in high school and college, but that still counts. Oh, crazy Mary Girard!) This season was focused on productions of Shakespeare's Macbeth and Romeo and Juliet. It was also a study of middle age and whether we become who we set out to be. I hate that I feel old enough to identify with this, but there you have it. The episode also taught me about the curse of Macbeth; because it is a play about evil, productions of it are inevitably cursed. In fact, you're not even supposed to say the name "Macbeth." He's like Voldemort (aah!), but instead of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, those who fear the curse call him Mackers.
• The Muppets – Saw it with the kids. I'm referring to the new movie, not the TV show, but because of its TV pedigree, and because I technically saw it on my TV, it sort of counts. I loved it! The kids had seen it before with their dad, but it was my first time. I clapped when Carmella and the chickens sang, or rather clucked, Cee Lo Green's "Forget You." I was excited when Beaker came on the screen (he's one of my favorites). And I was absolutely giddy when they recreated the opening number to The Muppet Show. I have a vague suspicion that I might be more starstruck meeting Animal than Brad Pitt. But then, who doesn't love a musician? 
• Jersey Shore – It's the season finale and a lot of nothing happens. Vinny hooks up with two lesbians, which, according to Pauly, is "the holy grail of hooking up." Deena shows a lot of cleavage—more than usual, anyway. Mike freaks out about stuff and then spreads rumors about Deena's sister. The fire alarm goes off. There's a water balloon fight. And a tornado threatens to destroy the world, or at least the Jersey shore, but ends up fizzling out like everything else. For better or worse, even Mother Nature isn't enough to shut it all down. Despite Snooki's pregnancy, Mike's trip to rehab, and the spate of spin-offs already being taped, they are all signed on for Season 6. But for now, we say farewell to the roommates. In a moment eerily reminiscent of the children's classic "Goodnight Moon," Snooki bids her adieus: "Goodbye, smush [room]. Goodbye, STDs. " And I'm left wondering if she's more clever than I give her credit for, or if I need to face the fact that there's no such thing as an unscripted show.

Dark Russians Take Over

Books

• Petropolis by Anya Ulinich – Continuing to read it. My mom was the one who gave it to me, so I mentioned to her that I had finally started it. Turns out she had bought it because of the writer's name (Anya—my Russian name, as I've mentioned). She thought that if this Anya from Russia had published a book, there was no reason that I couldn't finally write and publish one, too. It is her dream, she said, that I will publish a book and make lots of money. (Mom: "Like the writer of that book you are reading about the crazy boy who flies." Me: "Harry Potter?" Mom: "Yes!") I told her I would work on that. I also mentioned that, although I was enjoying the book, I had gotten to a part that was making me sad. My mom went ahead and told me how that part of the story is resolved at the end of the book. She said it was so I wouldn't feel sad. Awesome.
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling – Continuing to read with the daughter about the crazy boy who flies.
• When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris – Since Petropolis has been feeling somewhat dark (A book about a Russian that is dark? Nyet!), I thought I needed something lighter to balance it out. I had bought this latest addition to my Sedaris collection after finding it in a bookstore bargain bin with a big tear along the spine of the outer sleeve. It seemed such a fitting way to come in possession of a David Sedaris book. As I read it, I feel that I should be sitting in a Parisian cafe, drinking cappuccinos, and making snarky observations about those in my vicinity. The closest I've come to this is drinking coffee on the couch while the children run around me wearing berets and swatting at each other with batons of bread. Occasionally they'll toss me a piece that has broken off to have with my coffee.
• The son was not interested in any of the new chapter books that I had gotten from the library, so we've gone back to reading picture books from our home library. So far we've reread several Eric Carle books and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs by Judi Barrett. He's also once again willing to read the Bob Books for beginning readers by Bobby Lynn Maslen and Lynn Maslen Kertell. I have to say, I'm getting super excited about the emerging reader in our midst.

TV

• Project Runway All Stars – Kenley is out! Yeah, baby! Woo hoo! This is pretty much the level of enthusiasm I showed while watching the episode with the daughter. She gave me an amused but disapproving look, as I was not modeling proper behavior when someone loses. Sure, now she chooses to remember things that I've taught her.
• Tabatha Takes Over – This season, Tabatha is not only taking over hair salons and reorganizing them into functional businesses, but she is also expanding into other industries. In the episode I watched, Tabatha took over a doggie daycare and grooming business called Barkingham Palace. The place was a disaster, of course, and the biggest roadblock to the business's success was Tania, one half of the domestic partners who manage the daycare. Tania is so emotionally unstable, I wouldn't want to interact with her anywhere, much less work with her. Once again, reality TV has confirmed for me that a) crazy people who choose to put themselves in front of cameras are fascinating to watch and b) I have much to be thankful for when it comes to the people in my world. Well, when it comes to some of them, anyway.
• Mrs. Eastwood & Company – This show hasn't aired yet, but I'm already excited. It seems Clint Eastwood's wife and daughters are going to be the subjects of a new reality show on E! Although Mr. Eastwood will make occasional appearances on the show, that isn't even the most fascinating part of the equation. Mrs. Eastwood has begun to manage a six-man a cappella group that she discovered in South Africa while Mr. Eastwood was filming "Invictus." She brought them back with her to the United States and they now live in the Eastwood home while acclimating to life in a new country. I so hope this show is awesome.

The DVR-Clearing Project

Books

• Continuing to read Petropolis and Harry Potter, but had to focus a lot on TV watching since yesterday.

TV

• The Bronson Pinchot Project – Sometimes unexpected words catch my attention on the cable program guide listing. Apparently two of them are "Bronson" and "Pinchot." Pinchot is an actor best known for playing Balki in the 80s TV show Perfect Strangers, but has appeared in many other TV shows and movies, such as Beverly Hills Cop and First Wives Club. According to the DIY Network on which the program airs, Pinchot has a secret life in which he has been "buying neglected old homes and buildings and restoring them into eye-catching masterpieces." And now we can watch him do it. The moment I happened to tune in, Pinchot was talking about adding Greek columns to a house. Balki would have loved it! But wait, there's more… There's also The Vanilla Ice Project. Yes, that's right, the 90s rap/pop one-hit-wonder previously known for stealing a baseline from Queen for his song "Ice, Ice Baby" has quietly been working in the home improvement business for the past 15 years buying, renovating, and flipping homes. His show is doing so well, in fact, that it's already on its 2^nd season. When I clicked on it, Ice (a.k.a. Rob Van Winkle) and his team were busy renovating a bathroom for his daughters. After assessing what was coming together well, and what wasn't, he said, "If there is a problem, Yo, I'll solve it." He did! The groan from his team was slight, which tells me that either the setup was scripted and they're all in on the joke, or it happens so often that they can't even be bothered to be annoyed. God, I hope it's the latter. I'm not particularly interested in home renovations, but I'm fascinated that these shows exist.
• The Good Wife – I like this show, but I'm probably alone in liking it most when things are going relatively well for our heroine, Alicia Florrick. Yes, I understand the basic concept of a drama is that there is, well, drama. I DO understand that. But doesn't Alicia have enough to deal with already without increased emphasis on the fact that hot, young lawyer Caitlin is gunning for her job (and possibly her mostly unrequited lover, Will Gardner)? The show is smartly written and wonderfully acted, so I'm sticking with it, but I both look forward to and dread watching it. Sometimes it sucks being an optimist.
• Thursday night shows – 30 Rock was fun, but not spectacular. Parks and Rec was wonderfully squirm-inducing with Leslie's drunken interview. The Office is piling up on the DVR. That may be my next marathon.
• Modern Family – I did it! I'm caught up. And I'm all the better for it. The final episode of the bunch, "Leap Day," was my favorite. You wouldn't think an old setup about how women get crazy on their monthly cycles would have me in fits of giggles, but then you probably don't know me and/or the talent of the Modern Family writers. There's also the wonderful doomed-to-go-wrong party planning in honor of Cameron's birthday, which happens to fall on leap day:

 

[Couple Mitchell and Cameron being interviewed]

Mitchell: I've spent the last four years trying to figure out what kind of party to throw this one.

Cameron: Oh, honey, you know I'd be fine with just a nice casual evening at home with you.

Mitchell: Don't, don't even. No, no. That's what he said last time.

[Flashback to four years ago. Mitchell enters with a DVD.]

Mitchell: Okay birthday boy, what's it gonna be, rom-com or horror? Or we could do both and watch Maid in Manhattan.

Cameron turns and starts to dial the phone.

Mitchell: Whatcha doin?

Cameron: Canceling our baby.

Real Housewives of Siberia

Books

• Petropolis by Anya Ulinich – The author was born in Moscow in the Soviet Union in the early 1970s, just as I was. She immigrated with her family to the United States, just as I have. Her name is Anya, as is mine in Russian. She was awarded the National Book Foundation's "5 Under 35" award in recognition of her work being "particularly exciting and among the best of a new generation of writers," and I am reading that work. I could go into a jealous tizzy and be dismissive of her accomplishment, but I'm four chapters in and hooked. The world inhabited by the protagonist, Sasha Goldberg, feels both familiar and unimaginable to me. Sasha is a bi-racial, Jewish teen living in post-Soviet Siberia, which is still under the shadow of Stalin-era gulags in a rundown, forgotten part of the world. Sasha struggles as she clashes with her mother and faces prejudice in her old-world town. The book jacket explains that Sasha will break free of that life and immigrate to the United States as a mail-order bride. I can't wait.
• The son and I have gone through a series of books at bedtime that were very quick reads: Mercy Watson Goes for a Ride and Mercy Watson Fights Crime by Kate DiCamillo (author of The Tale of Despereaux and Because of Winn-Dixie) and Ricky Ricotta's Mighty Robot vs. the Mecha-Monkeys from Mars by Dav Pilkey (author of the Captain Underpants books). Both are chapter book series for the younger set; they were exciting and moved quickly enough to keep the son engaged. Sadly, there were no more books from either series at the library today, so I grabbed a bunch that will be new to us. Fingers crossed.
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling – Still going. The daughter hates when I pause for the night, which is always a good sign.
• The Best American Short Stories of the Century edited by John Updike – Um…no, not yet. Maybe I should give it up.

TV

• New Girl – I keep forgetting to say that I've been watching this one, which can't be a good sign. The first few episodes had me laughing out loud, and occasionally there are still moments that charm and/or amuse me, but I'm not fully engaged any more.
• Project Runway All Stars – The daughter likes it, so I save it to watch with her. It's more fun to watch together and have our own judging panel. During the light effects challenge episode, I was incredibly annoyed to discover that Kenley's dress was one of my favorites. I truly dislike Kenley and, even though she is the last woman standing, I find it hard to root for her. I was glad when one of my other favorite outfits, Austin's avant-garde night sky, was the winner. Not that Austin is my favorite (currently, it's Mondo), but anyone is better than Kenley.
• Reality Round-up – While particularly tired and looking for a mindless 20-minute break, I found myself flipping back-and-forth between Real Housewives of Orange County and Mob Wives. As fascinated as I am with these shows, I know that I could never spend time with any of these women in the real world. The mob wives scare me and the housewives, particularly the blondes of the OC, are beyond grating. However, I've come up with a drinking game that could apply to any of the "wives" show. Whenever one of the ladies plays with or touches her hair (and/or extensions)—anything unrelated to actually brushing or styling it—you take a drink. I anticipate a fun night ahead if any of these shows are on...which they usually are.
• Slings and Arrows – I found Season 2 at the library! My DVR seems to have only recorded half of the season, so I'm all atwitter about the discovery.
• Modern Family – Still planning my marathon viewing.

And the Oscar Goes To...

Books

• Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding – Finished!
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling – Still reading to the daughter. Now on chapter 11 and still going strong. Interesting development: When the daughter was doing her homework recently, I commended her on her neat handwriting (which was rather unlike her typical illegible streaks across the page). She answered that she'd been writing like that all day at school because she had been feeling like Hermione. (Oh, the nerdcitement! I couldn't be more proud.)
• Captain Underpants and the Preposterous Plight of the Purple Potty People by Dav Pilkey – I tend to sound embarrassed or apologetic whenever I mention that this is the book series that finally got the son interested in bedtime reading again, but I'm done with that. In Chapter 2, "Those Wacky Grown-ups," Pilkey mentions the old saying that adults spend two years teaching kids to walk and talk, then spend 16 years trying to get them to sit down and shut up. Then he writes about how it is the same issue with potty training: "One day you're a superstar because you pooped in the toilet like a big boy, and the next day you're sitting in the principal's office because you said the word 'poopy' in American History class (which, if you ask me, is the perfect place to say that word.)" I'm officially a fan. Tra-la-laaa!

• The Best American Short Stories of the Century edited by John Updike – All best intentions did not get me to do more than read the first line of three separate stories. Hoping to do better this week.

TV

• Top Chef finale – Hooray for Paul! I'm very excited that he won, but it came as a bit of a surprise. Although the judges seemed to love both menus, they criticized Paul's inconsistent soup more than Sarah's undercooked beets. I'm always curious about the part of judges' table that we don't get to see. Did the judges talk about Paul's superior performance throughout the season versus Sarah's close calls? Did the producers step in to say that they wanted it to be Paul? Or was it really only based on the final meals?

• 84^th Annual Academy Awards – I finally watched the Oscars, and my DVR was thrilled to be three hours lighter. I didn't feel particularly vested in the results as I'd only seen The Descendants and Kung Fu Panda 2 this year, but I wanted to see Billy Crystal. I love Billy, and having him host the Oscars is like eating mac and cheese in your pajamas under your favorite blanket. Still, I couldn't help feeling that I'd somehow been transported to the Borcht Belt.

• Jersey Shore – I caught much of the recent episode in which 1) Mike continued to lose his grip on reality while plotting his bizarre revenge on Snooki with the help of "The Unit" (yes, that's a person), 2) JWoww planned a "romantic" (quotes are hers) evening with boyfriend Roger that involved numerous adult toys that had to be fuzzed out when they appeared on the TV screen, and 3) Vinny and Pauly continued their bromance. The latter is fast becoming my favorite part of the show. I just hope Vinny gets to tag along for Pauly's new show, or the heartbreak will be immense for them and the viewers.

• NBC Thursday night line-up – I haven't watched The Office yet, but I couldn't bear to skip Parks and Rec or 30 Rock. I also realized this week that Whitney has been moved and the fourth show in the lineup is now Up All Night. Personally, I'm not interested in watching a sitcom about the struggle of new parents. Been there, done that. Any humor is lost on me. So, I'll continue to look forward to Community's return.

• Modern Family – I miss the Pritchett and Dunphy clans so much! The backlog on the DVR is up to six episodes. I may have to enjoy a marathon this weekend.

Bridget and I (Bridget and Me?)

Books

• I began reading Bridget Jones's Diary on Sunday evening. By Tuesday, I was two-thirds of the way through, cheering Bridget on and thankful that I hadn't jumped back into the dating pool yet. If the amount of pre-date primping and post-date stress that Bridget experiences is anything like the real world, I'd rather face her greatest fear—ending up alone, half-eaten by an Alsatian. After all, Bridget is a 30-something who is likely in her early 30s. I am a late-30-something with kids. Even the Alsatian may think twice about getting involved.

Then, on Tuesday evening, as I read about Bridget's attempts to recover from her humiliating breakup with boyfriend Daniel Cleaver, my phone began buzzing. It was my ex-boyfriend texting me to see if there was still any chance for us. Empowered by Bridget and her friends' denouncing of fuckwittage, I was was able to be curt in my responses. I don't know where that situation will ultimately end up, but it felt good to have some girlfriends behind me, even if they were in the pages of a book. Of course by the time the texting finished, I was feeling emotional and needed cheering up. So I stayed up late to finish the book and enjoy Bridget's happy and romantic ending.

• I continue reading Harry Potter #3 with the daughter and have moved on to the next Captain Underpants with the son. Interestingly, the son is currently going through a stage where he refuses to wear underpants. I pointed out the irony of this to him during Thursday night's bedtime reading, and, while he acknowledged that it was funny, I don't have high hopes that it will change anything about the situation. But, as someone mentioned to me recently, it's better that he's running around in pants without underwear than running around in underwear without pants like the book's hero.

TV

• Bridget Jones and life responsibilities have been keeping me busy, so the DVR has been working diligently in my absence. It is at more than 80% full, and the daughter keeps reminding me that it is mostly my shows taking up the space. I can see that I have a date with the DVR in my future. Perhaps I will bring some wine.